I was going to post a generic Three Things Thursday today, but I’d rather post something of substance. I’ve gone back and forth on posting this since it’s more than just a surface level post. It’s uncomfortable posting something more personal, especially when you don’t know who is reading (or you know that family is reading!). I’m giving credit to my October Challenge ladies on this one. I cannot tell you how much strength and inspiration they give me everyday.
It’s no secret that I have struggled with my weight for most of my life (and most of this blog). I was that kid that went on Jenny Craig in middle school. Yes, really. I was heavy even though I played multiple sports and stayed active. My house was generally full of good, healthy food, yet somehow I was the only one in my family that was overweight. Slow metabolism, poor food choices/portions, who knows, but it doesn’t set you up for a good mentality. I still have a very tenuous relationship with food most days and it’s something that I’m working on. I have that same relationship with my self esteem most days and that is also a work in progress. Furthermore, it’s something that I am very ashamed to admit. Who would want to show that vulnerability? In an effort to overcome it though, I am owning it. I’m human. I have flaws. And that’s okay.
I see people posting transformation pictures and “Weigh in Wednesday” posts. As I peruse them, I sit there and am inspired. What courage to be able to post actual weights and pictures! To not scrutinize every picture and toss it aside unless it is absolute perfection. I also sit there, burning with envy. What I would give to have that courage! To end the cycle of shame and self consciousness. To gain strength from vulnerability. To own where I am at and take pride in my accomplishments without qualifying them with my weight. To feel worthy and equal to others despite the number on the scale. I’m a half Ironman. I’ve finished 2 full marathons and a dozen half marathons. I am a runner and a triathlete. I am accomplished. I am strong. At this exact moment in time, I am enough.
That’s not to say that all change is bad. Striving to improve yourself is admirable and keeps you from being stagnant. But it’s all about maintaining perspective.
Will I be a kinder person if I am 20 pounds lighter?
Will I be a more compassionate person if I am 20 pounds lighter?
Will the people around me love me more when I am 20 pounds lighter?
Will my dogs love me more when I am 20 pounds lighter?
The answer to all of the above is a solid and resounding NO.
You know what losing weight will help me do? Fit into smaller pants. Run faster. Bike faster.
Unless I allow it to control me, my size does not make me who I am. I really hated crossing the finish line on Sunday and knowing that the only reason I didn’t run a sub-2:30 was because I told myself I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t confident enough to push myself to be the best runner I could be.
I am tired of letting my insecurities control me.
I don’t like who it makes me. I don’t like what it says about me. Who wants to be self conscious and anxious all the time? Who wants to do less than they are capable of? Who in their sane mind would voluntarily choose that!?
What is wrong with me!? I don’t want to be that person. So this is me taking it back. At the end of the day, I really like myself. I’m strong, accomplished, and confident. And dammit, people like me!
What’s even better is that I can pinpoint why I am ready to own my journey now: I can’t do superficial. I don’t care about fitting into single digit pants and I really don’t care about a specific number on the scale. You know what I care about? I want to crush my next half Ironman. I want to complete a full Ironman one day. I want to finally go sub-2 hours at a half marathon. I want to try and qualify for Boston one day. At this exact moment in time, I am strong and capable. I have a lot to be proud of and I can hold my head high. But I’m not satisfied. I want to be stronger. I want to be more capable. Because if I can complete a 70.3 in 7:25 when I’m 205 (yes, I’m putting that out there), I want to see how much faster I will be when I’m 180. Or 165.
So this is me giving up. Giving up my doubts, my insecurities, and my negativity. And I feel lighter already.